21 january 2000
bullshit'n


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I'm tired, so tired of so many things. Right now, I'm tired of working my ass off for unappreciative people who don't know what they want. So much wasted time, so much wasted me.

Example 1

Boss: "Chuck, I need you to (insert random task here) by (insert random date here)"

Chuck: "Sure, but while I'm at it, you might wanna let me (modify random task so it would actually work much better for us in the future)"

Boss: "No, just do it the way we ("we being the executive "management" team) decided it."

Chuck: "Um ... ok."

A week later ...

Boss: "Y'know that thing you did. We have to fix it now. I need you to (insert fix of original random task here) by (insert random date here)"

Chuck: "You mean, fix it to do what I originally suggested?"

Boss: "Huh? You never suggested that to _me_"

Chuck: (shrug) "Yeah, musta been someone else I mentioned that to. My bad."

Example #2

IceDog: "Chuck, we need a new song from you for the next gig."

Chuck: "When do ya need it."

IceDog: "Mid January."

Chuck: "I've never written a song that fast (thinking: I've never written a song in the past five years), but I'll give it my best."

Two weeks later ...

IceDog: "Oh yeah, we're not gonna do that song at the gig. We're not ready to play it. We'll learn it for the next gig."

Chuck: "Um ... ok." (thinking how much better the song would be if I had kept it and worked on it myself for a couple more weeks before unleashing it on the band in a rush to get it ready for a performance that's not gonna happen)



~~~

I'm sitting in my car in the studio parking lot. I'm supposed to be recording my parts for the cd, but I got fed up and walked out, took my car for a drive down to the mexican mini-mart on the corner, got myself a sixpack of Bud cans, drove back, and now I'm just sitting in my car drinking. They're probably wondering where I am ... maybe saw my car gone. I never said I was leaving ... I didn't care. I just needed to get away from them, away from everyone, away from my life, away from "me."


~~~

Drove Kanan-Dume twice today ... the return trip, at dusk, found me incredibly pensive and self-defeating. Overwhelmed with guilt about the breakup, feeling the "life" I chose over her going nowhere in circles. I feel like everything I'm doing is useless to everyone but me. These people in my life that tell me how creative, talented, and special I am are just humoring me because they need my automotonic base skills to further themselves. I come cheap, I rarely complain, and make it a habit of letting people walk all over me because I'd rather not escalate things for the sake of no-one but me. All ya have to do is humor me, and I'm fine. I'll buy your bullshit because I need it for self-validation. Who cares if the bullshit is ultimately expensive and smells like a mad cow's asshole. Lord only knows such self-validation cannot come from within me.

Kanan-Dume had me close to tears. PCH to the studio was no better. Too much time alone in a car is a bad thing sometimes. I turned on talk radio and started getting existential. By the time I made it here I was in near-zombie state. The first thing I heard was "Oh yeah, we're not gonna do that song at the gig..." Three minutes later I disappeared out the back door.

Some nights I feel at one with myself, other nights I curiously and playfully question my life, and tonight I deem myself a self-absorbed asshole with no reason to exist. I'm sure I'll get over it. I always do.

Computer battery's nearly dead ... strange, this may be the first entry I've ever written in my car. And I feel obliged to mention that here. How fucking pathetic.

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