I was reluctant to leave the club after we played last night. It was that post-gig high, being the center of attention, strangers coming up to me to tell me that they loved my playing, my singing voice (???), the band. Talking with friends, meeting new people, wanting to continue the many conversations I almost started with so many different folks ...

... but we had to get back to the studio, unpack, drink beer, smoke pot, and ponder the previous couple of hours.

Everybody loved the music ... the club was pretty packed, about 100 people. But band management insists on putting this scripted drama in between the songs, and it's not there yet, and it distracts from the show ... no, make that _detracts_ from the show. It's something we'll have to talk about at practice tomorrow night, something that has the potential to split the band apart if it's not handled correctly. Last night wasn't the time to talk about it ... everyone was on too much of a high.

Came home to an empty apartment, 2000 square feet of disheartening silence. I wished I was back at the club, or at the studio, or anywhere else. When I was in high school I used to wish I was a rock star. Now I'm just beginning to taste what it's like. The smiling faces in the audience, the vibe of a good groove on stage that permeates through the entire room. The roadies who won't let me lift my own equipment and deliver drinks to me in the middle of the show. The feeling of importance, being the entertainer and doing a damned good job of it. The hot lights in my face and the sweat pouring off my body, coming off stage feeling like I've run a marathon, the adrenaline high is so sweet, like a drug ...

... and coming down sucks.

It could just be valentine's day, the fact that I'm single -- I dunno, I just really wanted to come home to someone last night, to share what I was feeling, to talk about the future, to wrap my arms around a non-existant soulmate and drift off to sleep. Instead, all of my positive emotion was siphoned into the space of this dark and empty apartment, and I stared at the ceiling of my bedroom wondering what the point of it all is, or was, or something.

And the whole negative vibe carried into today, and I can't seem to shake it. I should probably stop thinking about it and just let it shake itself.

Should go to sleep ... early meeting tomorrow morning in the valley. Life is so weird sometimes.