14 april 2000
turnaround?


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Another pic from after the Roxy show up there ... didn't quite fit my prescribed 350X250 pixel window, though.

I'm so bored, my reading list is getting bigger...



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Prone on my Select Comfort mattress at the tail end of an emotionally trying week. Physically, I didn't do shit. I hardly worked, slept late every day, and slowly eased myself into my new job (Chief Information Architect) and office (Ocean Park Boulevard in Santa Monica). And yet all this rest for my body has sent my mind into overdrive, and now I just don't feel like thinking. It's almost worse than physical exhaustion, because I have no desire to sleep. Rather, I'd just like to shut myself down for a while (if only I could find my personal "Special" pulldown menu) and give my brain a rest. Too much to do, too much to worry about (shit, I need to mail my taxes on monday -- hope I can find my checkbook), wrapped tight in a life that, in my opinion, is going nowhere and taking a helluva long time to get there.

Wandered out into the living room. Gabby was there, we talked, couldn't shake my morose. She sighed "I wish your gig would come sooner" to which I replied "I wish the rest of my life would come sooner." I do feel kinda dead inside, like I'm not living, and yet I have no energy to do anything about it. Tonight I'll probably saunter down to the video store and rent a movie, and maybe get some takeout pepper lamb from Akbar Indian over in Marina Del Rey. No alcohol ... the mere thought of drinking tonight appalls me.

Pepper lamb sounds REALLY tasty though. Yum. I'm off.



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Much later ... bedtime. I'm having an "I wanna stop smoking" moment. Almost worked two years ago (see below) -- lasted six months that time. "The sense that's it's useless/and the fear to try/not believing the leaders/the media that feed us/living with the big lie" -- don't know why that lyric just popped into my head.

Tomorrow I start throwing out the last 6 1/2 years of my life in preparation for moving. So much garbage has accumulated in this apartment over that time. What to keep? What to toss? I'll spend more time making those decisions than I will cleaning this place out.

This is all about taking control of my own life, isn't it? This funk I've been in, the anxiety I'm having, the thoughts of quitting smoking. Something inside of me is telling me to stop just going-with-the-flow, to stop playing the game, to decide who I really want to be and to be that, myself. It's happening already. That's what all the pain is about.

Deep down inside I know this is a good thing, but I still think it'll be hard letting go of the irresponsible child I know and love, the one I've lived with for over three decades.

Am I losing my mind, or am I finally beginning to come to my senses?

(a little over) one year ago: x-country ii: I'm alive, I'm airborne, and I'm feeling like I owe the world a favor because I was too selfish to give up my window seat.

two years ago: strength training: Becoming a non-smoker has heightened my senses. I'm more hungry, more energetic, more aware, and more horny than ever.

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