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11 june 2000
----- I've had the most incredible headache all day, but now I'm thinking it's not a headache, because if I really concentrate on the pain, I think I can discern it radiating from the intersection of my upper and lower jaws. It's making my whole fucking head hurt. They said the swelling would peak today ... but it seems to still be getting worse. It's this dull throbbing on both sides of my head. I'm applying ice, and I'm about ten seconds from losing a battle with my conscience over my bedside bottle of percocet. My conscience just lost, and the pill is on its way down, probably to be followed by a second in about fifteen minutes, which means I'll be off in mental lala land within the hour. It's not that I don't like the pain killers ... they definitely do the trick. It's just that I hate the false sense of euphoria that comes with them. It invades my dreams, makes me all happy, and makes waking up all the more difficult. There's nothing like the pain-filled reality of a new day after a night of drug-induced dreams of happiness, fulfillment, and everything else proven absent during my first second of semi-consciousness, when my arm reaches over to the emptiness in the bed beside me. Another pill? No, thank you. Why can't they come up with a pill that just takes away the physical pain, as opposed to one which makes me think life is wonderful fantasy? I'd take a needleful of novocaine over this percocet shit anyday. Hypocritical me just downed a second pill. So much for half-dosing. Gonna be more like half-dozing in a minute. "Warning: May cause drowsiness. (umm, gee, I hope so) Alcohol may intensify this effect. (i wouldn't know) Use care when operating a car or dangerous machinery. (wonder if this computer can qualify as dangerous machinery)." Stupid icepack won't stay on my face. I think the drugs are starting to kick in. My feet are getting warm and tingly. Why does it start at my feet when my head needs it most? I mean, the stupid pill went in through my head, it would only make sense ... hmm, maybe it's gravity induced. Nah, because I'm half lying down now, maybe if I hang upside down. Ooh, the warm fuzzies just reached my midsection. This is where the idea of fantasy can get a bit out of control. Rise, warmness, rise to my head and take the pain away. No, wrong head. Keep going. The biggest problem with this stupid drug is that it takes so long to get going. I'm tempted to be an idiot and exceed the recommended dosage, but I won't. Getting drowsy now, but the pain is still there. It feels like a nasty sinus migraine, centered around where four of my teeth used to be. And the weird thing is that my teeth themselves don't hurt, the empty sockets where my teeth were don't hurt. No, instead there's this generic fog of abrasive ... ssss shit, i'm zoning out ... this stuff if putting me to sleep faster than it's curing me ... better just go withit .. upload tomorrow... 11 june 1999: didn't write : 11 june 1998: now go home : death would be way too easy for me right now, too predictable, a total copout that I no longer fear. What I fear now is life, and that's just something I'm going to have to face and conquer. How, I don't know.
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