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29 august 2000
oh gee, who is me Carving introspective morsels from what amounts to my brain these days... My life is so full of potential right now, potential for happiness, and potential for self-destruction. Tonight I feel like pushing myself towards the "happiness" end of the spectrum, perhaps because I've been feeling the effects of 'self-destruct' lately. I'm getting older (I hesitate to say 'I'm getting old') and I'm starting to feel it, physically if not emotionally. I sense in my body less resilience, a tendency towards heartburn after fast food, little aches and pains that don't go away as fast as they used to, an inherent lack of tolerance for the excesses of my youth. On the phone with Don, who's now in med school, I comment on everything from throat weirdnesses to toenail abnormalities. He repeats over and over again how I'm not taking care of my body. I know this, but for the first time in my life, I'm beginning to hear my body complaining. Out for drinks with Fritz last night, he rambles on between cigarettes "I dunno, I'm a professional, a family man, all that bullshit, and I'm gonna be forty soon ..." Just feeling the effects of age. We get older, but where are we really going? Out last week with Rachel ... driving home, I was feeling so washed up, on the downswing instead of the up. Has my life peaked already? Not until I truly believe it. And deep within me, I don't think I do. Self discovery - what a wonderful thing to experience. Self respect - so difficult to attain. I'm hitting thirty-two in october, and I'm struggling to give myself the right birthday present. I've talked about it with most of my good friends already, the people with whom I share my day to day, and they want to chip in on it. Brutus, the band, Fritz, my new coworkers, my parents. It'll be hard on them, and even harder on me, but I'm beginning to feel it's the only thing I can do, out of respect for myself, my future, and the need to take control of my own destiny. Gaining that control will be difficult. It seems near-impossible. I've tried once before and failed. And now it's time to try again. Thirty-two will find me a non-smoker. That's my present to myself. And it's scaring me already, maybe because for the second time in my life I'm actually serious about trying. Think I'll ponder that while I have a cigarette right now... 29 august 1999: : didn't write 29 august 1998: veni vidi departi : What a strange place. The land goes on forever. I see why tornadoes like it here so much. If I was a tornado, I'd definitely hang out here. [ swim back | email me | swim ahead ] |
