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15 october 2000
---- It seems as I get older, each birthday becomes less of a celebration, and more of a simple reason to get together with the most important people in my life, watch them have fun, and wax existential with myself. My mom said something to me tonight ... something along the lines of "I never realized how busy you really are, between the band, your job, you really have _no_ time for bills, laundry, getting out, _meeting_ someone..." She had been complaining about the state of my affairs, my profound predilection towards procrastination in all routine life matters... And I simply replied something along the lines of... "But I have no time to be lonely either, no time to feel sorry for myself over my lack of a life, because my life, in reality, is _so_ full ... and, I'm losing my train of thought here, but, I dunno, one part of me says I need someone, that special someone in my life right now, and another part of me just says I haven't the time or the energy and that's ok..." And she just looked at me and smiled, and nodded, and I saw both pity and pride in her eyes. We are so much stronger than we think we are. Why do I feel so weak? ~~~ Outside of the people I celebrated with today, only three people went out of their way to wish me a happy birthday: 1) Don called again, to talk to me in person (as opposed to voice mail, I guess), and send best wishes from his darling Sarah, formerly of that journal called "anneal," which she should really bring back and start writing again, but somehow I don't think it's gonna happen. 2) My brother, just in from New Orleans (nawlins as we "cajun musicians" put it, as Groaning Mona's next song is an incredible tune called "Louisiana Swamp Monster"), called me as he tucked my darling niece into bed, and we watched the Mets game together for a bit, and then he talked to mom and that was that. 3) Sari, through email, and if you were on the notify list you probably saw it, since she replied to my last update, and I don't know if she intentionally wanted the entire amaebilist to see her email, but either way, it was very cool and made me very happy as I returned home from a rather full day of "celebrating" ... Celebrating... At noon my parents showed up here with bagel and lox to get me going for the day. Two hours later we departed to West LA to meet Ice Dog, Casanova, Wamba, and Jen at Don Antonio's Mexican restaurant on Pico Boulevard, just down the street from The Gig, the club that gave our band its first break, so to speak. We shot tequila and listened to my mom tell the group that even though my birthday is October 15, I was born so close to midnight that the doctor gave her a choice of days, and she could have chosen the 16th, but she didn't. So, as I was born very near midnight, eastern standard time, I can now officially say that I am thirty-two years old, alive and well, and armed with that incredible birthday present I vowed to give myself: I am a non-smoker. Two weeks and counting, and it feels damned good. From Don Antonios we went to the band studio, where we watched a bit of last night's gig, and then a bit of the Malibu gig, and then Ice Dog gave my dad a copy of our cd, and then we were on our way... ... to mom and dad's hotel in Santa Monica, where we watched the Cardinals try to catch up to the Mets, to no avail. There will be a subway series this year, I can feel it. The only time I'll root against the Yankees in the World Series is if they're playing the Mets. I so want the Mets to win this year, if only for my dad and brother. I showered and changed, and we drove back up to Malibu, to Granita, where Jen, Brutus and his wife, my parents and I had a delicious dinner complete with song and dance and candles and wishes (yes, my wish got a bit romantic this time, figuring romance is the only thing my life is lacking, although it was a three part wish, and the first two parts concerned the people at the table with me, and the last part concerned my lack-of-a love-life, but it may have been half-hearted) -- Brutus brought me a syrah-based meritage from the Andrew Murray vineyards and it was delicious. After dinner we went outside and I watched Jen smoke with my parents and I laughed at my craving that went away five minutes later as I sucked on a toothpick ... I feel like I've beaten this smoking thing already, which of course is a load of shite ... this coming week will be tougher than the last, although not as tough as the first, because now I'm starting to get those "oh, you're over it, just one drag won't hurt" thoughts ... evil. Pure evil. The rents dropped me off about an hour ago and drove Jen back to her car in Santa Monica. Tomorrow they're coming to my office to take me for lunch ... and we have dinner with my cousin in West Hollywood. Jen and I leave for Montreal on friday ... the wedding of one of my good friends from undergrad. Life seems so ... booked, for lack of a better word. Somehow, I think it's a good thing. 33's getting off on the right foot. 15 october 1999: : on hiatus til december 15 october 1998: XXX : And that's why today is making me sad. It's not about getting old, it's about missed opportunities, coupled with a lack of trust in others, and a lack of faith in myself. 15 october 1997: 29 : just another year chalked up on the calendar should i really care [ swim back | email me | swim ahead ] |
