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10 november 2000
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Six feels like midnight, alone in the office, full moon figures, feeling horribly empty. I fail to comprehend my pain, this sense of emotional isolation, life failure wrapped in self pity, yes, I'm beating myself to death for fucking up like I did. But I don't enjoy feeling like this. I don't enjoy punishing myself. Why am I doing it? I feel I've alienated everyone close to me. I'm having a hard time talking to my friends, my family. One who sees me daily says there's a cloud of darkness over me, a new sadness in my eyes. I feed her the bullshit lie, telling her it's probably a side-effect of quitting smoking, just temporary. Just temporary, I hope... It's like I need to learn how to smile again. 10 november 1999: : on hiatus til december 09 november 1998: sunset stripping : Three floors of loud music, alcohol, raw fish, and the most beautiful of the beautiful people dressed to kill and making me feel horribly inadequate in my own state of geek normalcy. 10 november 1997: roll me up and smoke me : Halfway down, the window appeared from nowhere, floating above the edge of the carport, mirrored glass presenting a sodium vapored capsule of light. [ swim back | email me | swim ahead ] |
