25 december 00
so this is christmas

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no geeku by me

Christmas Eve, I dressed for church in Hanukkah blue. I topped it with a Santa hat so I wouldn't look too, I dunno, non-Presbyterian?

I felt bubbly, filled with holiday spirit ... on the way out the door, I even called my ex to wish her a Merry Christmas. I think I interrupted her fucking her new boyfriend, but I didn't even care. I was in a very good mood.

The mood carried to the church, which was packed for the first service. I played piano on "Mary, Did You Know" and sight-read synth strings on "O Holy Night" to a darkened sanctuary, lit only by candles held in the hands of the congregation.

We sang "Silent Night" a cappella, and I was filled with a warmth that nearly balanced the reality of my first-ever holiday season alone. In between services, I was glowing.

Hanging out with Mojo and IceDog in the back room, we played with my camera and Mojo took my picture, capturing what was to be my last smile of the evening. A minute later he dropped the bombshell on us. He was leaving the band, moving to Maui. A quick look from IceDog told me to restrain myself from losing it, so I did, wishing Mojo luck with a tight-lipped grin, and slowly sauntering away to avoid the ever-growing chill that certainly wasn't coming off the ocean.

I sleepwalked through the second service, in a daze, wondering if this was the end of the band, if and how we were gonna replace Mojo, and what and how long will it take to get us back on our feet again. We had so much stuff coming up, moving forward. A gig in three weeks, a three-day music video shoot at the end of January, lord-knows-how-many old songs to record and new songs to learn.

We worked so hard for over a year, to come to this ... can one person destroy the work of six others? We were too good of a team. We trusted each other too much. No, we trusted _him_ too much.

In a sense, this feels like a breakup, like I've been dumped by a loved one, when all of those thoughts go through my head ... "but we had so many plans" ... "don't you even care?" ... "why didn't I see this coming?" ... "you can't just leave" ... "what about our FUTURE?????" But then, I never loved Mojo. Truth is, as my least favorite bandmate, he annoyed the shit out of me most of the time. Still, he was a very good guitar player.

I wanted to go home and get fucked up. Alcohol, pot, it didn't matter. IceDog invited me to his place to get fucked up with him. I was seriously tempted, if only because I wanted some kind of resolution, some kind of reassurance that the band would get through this. And then I realized that it wouldn't be wise to be out drinking or smoking anything on Christmas Eve, thirty miles from home, with my car.

So it went back to going home and getting fucked up alone. Instead I came home and poured myself a glass of cranberry juice. I've been staring at the walls ever since. I'm mentally wrecked, emotionally drained, and I just want to sleep.

I'm just fucking glad I never taught Mojo my new tune. He doesn't fucking deserve it. One thing I can thank him for though ... I'll certainly never forget this Christmas.

25 december 1998: : didn't write

25 december 1997: bad entry : Here I grew up thinking that all jews did on Christmas was go out for Chinese food and then to the movies.

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