02 january 2000
unedited me

(that's our flight attendant up there ... if you ever run into her, tell her she's way cool)

31,000 feet, somewhere over the midwest, probably a corn field.. who gives a f*(&^

You can tell this is a European-built airliner -- it's a brand spanking new plane with built-in ashtrays. I'm almost tempted to light up right now.

Yep ... survived the millennium, (2 l's, 2 n's, got it) just like everybody else. The y2k bug was nothing but hype, and us Apple users knew it all along. Leave it to your average Windoze user to fall for the biggest scare/scam of the, um, well, millennium.

Saw J today. First time since the breakup. It was ok. We walked, talked, kicked a soccer ball around until we started destroying shit in my parents' garage. Saying goodbye ... I mentioned that I'd probably be back in the area soon, and she looked at me strange and said "Why would you want to?" in a tone of voice that betrayed pain and anger ... "not to see me, I'm sure ... you chose your stock options over me..."

And that fucking stung like hell.

And all I've been asking myself since is did it sting because it was false, or did it sting because it was true?

Am I really that much of a selfish bastard? Maybe so. Well, I'm the only one who has to live with me now...and that really makes me sad.

Takeoff is different in first class ... the front of the airplane. It's more out of control, more akin to a slingshot wayward from an adolescent's hand. Suffice to say, I'd feel a helluva lot more stable over the wing. (but the service sucks back there)

Finally got off the ground on the second leg of my trip ... there was some kind of maintenance problem on the 757 ... which kept us on the ground in Phoenix for about 40 minutes, and all that after I sprinted across the airport in a desperate attempt to get on the plane before the doors closed. Running to stand still. That was a U2 song too, but right now it's just been my evening. It would have at least nice to have had a smoke instead of sitting here ... waiting ....

Somewhere over the desert now. Speeding across sand and cactus, Wile E Coyote's cousin, and Roadrunner's relatives, banking left. Why does an hour long flight seem longer than an hour long car ride? Is it the terminal ass numbing airline seats (yes, even up here in first class the seats suck --- they're bigger, but they still suck), or the fact that you're locked in and can't get out, can't even open a fucking window for a bit of fresh air, because if we did open the window, the guy sitting next to me would probably be sucked out into the Arizona sky (or its probably California by now) and I'd have to put on one of those little yellow (orange?) plastic oxygen masks when the only real reason I was opening the window is because I wanted a cigarette, and instead I have to inhale pure oxygen.

I remember when we could smoke on airplanes. I only did it once, on a flight from newark to gatwick. And the plane had a smoking section and a non-smoking section, the very existence of both reaffirming the ridiculous belief that a little cloth curtain strung across the cabin between rows 22 and 23 will separate the air between me and the people who can't fucking breathe because I'm smoking.

120 miles out of LA now. Gonna be a bumpy descent, he said. Yippie, just what I love. So many years of flying, and I still can't come to terms with the fact that air has bumps in it. All I can do is imagine walking down the street one day, getting whacked on the nose ... "What the fuck was that????" "Oh, nothing, you just hit an air pocket with your head."

Yeah, I think I'm still just a trifle bit sarcastic or upset, with myself or J, based on that comment she made before. I'm returning to LA feeling kind of worthless in this new year, like I hurt someone I love (which I did), like I have no life (questionable), like I have no idea what I want to do with the life I might not have (yep), and like loneliness is going to be with me until the day I die ...

Really though am i one of those people ... those ones who have to go at life alone, because it's just the only way they can maximize themselves? Some people are meant to be with others, others are meant to be with nobody. Hi there, I'm "others", of the latter group.

I don't want to be alone but I know I may have to... jeez i sound like a martyr ... just nail me to the cross right now. But I'm Jewish, you say? Fuck you, so was He.

Spoke too soon before, or before too soon .. ugh getting bumpy, nasty, I really don't wanna die and I take back that martyrdom shit and i'm gonna shut down the computer now because the flight attendant said so and I don't want it to pop up and hit me in the head when we hit another "air pocket" 10000 feet, over and out.

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