 04 january 2000 huh? on the edge of me falling toward my defeat fuck me, please, fuck me come to me, cover me, hold me, together we'll break these chains of love ...
Don't know why that song just popped into my head, but it did, and I decided to acknowledge it.
~~~
On my way down PCH tonight, wrapped up in the sheer magnitude of singular points of light over the city, as viewed from the Malibu burbs ... the aircraft, lined up like tin soldiers, to eventually touch down on their respective parallel runways at LAX, a traffic jam in mid-air. Completely sober, I still bugged out on the whole scene ... and then my pager went off. Grabbed the cell phone, dialed in for the message, and band practice was cancelled, once again, due to the flu. So I went to Hama Sushi and inebriated myself with sake. Truth is, I was really looking forward to band practice tonight. Fuck the flu. Fuck anything and anyone that gets in the way of my music. I want to play, I want to write, I want to do anything that will justify my existence to myself, and right now, music is it. Forget my job, forget Corporate America, forget the stocks, forget my office, forget my private balcony, forget the fucking games I have to play every day to justify my salary, to justify my existence.
Existence ... why the fuck am I here anyway?
~~~
Yes, it's one of _those_ nights. I'm lonely and, more dangerously, extremely horny. Band practice would have been a good thing tonight. I would have played my ass off, getting all these hormones out of my body through my fingertips into the white plastic keys of the Hammond B-3 -- and the keys would signal the tone generator, and the tone generator would read the drawbar settings, and the organ would send its message to the Leslie speaker, and henceforth would come the sweetest sound possible from a musical instrument that just happens to be powered by electricity.
~~~
I saw this really beautiful woman tonight. Well, more cute than beautiful, but cute is what I'm attracted to. And the whole scenario went through my head in a millisecond ... initial conversation, getting to know you, dating, passionate lovemaking ... And then I thought, hmm ... initial conversation (strike one, I suck at introducing myself), getting to know you (strike two, my self esteem tells me she'd find me nothing more than an amusing diversion), dating (strike three, I know I'm not to be taken _that_ seriously), passionate lovemaking (um ... sorry, ya already struck out, kid ...). Shit ... are there any women reading this journal thingie here? What if a gangling geek like myself came up to you in a bar and said "Hi there, you're really cute and I'd like to get to know you better, but first I was wondering if we could do some passionate lovemaking _before_ I have the chance to strike out with you. So, uh, whaddya think?" Please don't slap me too hard.
Shee-it.
~~~
What do you gauge your own self worth against? Am I too old to be single? Why am I even here? Can't answer those, three more strikes. Can't write tonight, strikes are invalid. I'm gonna go watch a movie.
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