I chose to stay in bed for a while.

I think I'm at a crossroads here. If I don't manage to get myself fired (the passive-aggressive route) by the end of the week, I'm going to have to quit (the normal route) this job I've had for over four years. I thought it would be easy, but I'm finding it an incredibly difficult tie to break (or unknot) -- this company has been my one and only source of money (and aggravation) since early 1996, and in some senses I feel like an infant weaning himself from a mother's breast, albeit a breast that's been dispensing sour milk for quite some time now.

And I'm not so sure about the job waiting for me. Chief Technology Officer in a very small, very new, and very unstable company. On the positive side, it's incredibly exciting, I'll be working for an old boss, who I know I get along with, and the work will be much more rewarding than anything I've done in years. Weighing the downside, instability is paramount, mixed in with my inherent complacency and fear of change. My financial situation is tenuous at best right now. Is this the right time to take this sort of risk?

Throw into the mix the fact that I'm moving to Malibu on May 1. If my job was a comfortable four-year nipple to suck on, this apartment has been a cozy seven-year womb. I wonder if I'm imparting too much change upon my life in the space of a few weeks.

I could write for hours on this shit, but I won't. Bottom line is, I'm fucking scared.

"you are *so* adorable!"

That was the entire message.

First thought -- what drugs is this woman on? adorable? me???? Second thought -- Um ... how the fuck am I supposed to reply to that? She says nothing about herself, nothing about why she wrote ... ugh. I'm beginning to think this whole online dating thing is nothing but a giant meat market.

Actually, I knew it was a meat market the night I got drunk and signed up, but now I'm sober and reconsidering... Yes, I can get laid in a heartbeat, I know this. I can wake up on a beautiful sunday morning, and turn to my bedside companion and say "What should we do ... wanna get some brunch, go to the beach, stay in bed for a while?..." only to have her reply "you are *so* adorable!"

Yuck. I'm not _that_ desparate. At least not yet.

How can someone adore me if they don't even know me?

And what an outfit it is. Ice Fairy and Angel came down to Venice yesterday and we went shopping in the thrift stores near the boardwalk. It's pretty much what I already described in a previous entry. Converse high-tops (which Angel will paint) or Saucony shiny orange sneakers (which I will wear tonight). No socks. Cross-colors baggy shorts (circa 1992) in orange, purple, and green. Hunter green shiny smoking jacket with a black velour collar. Orange tie. No shirt. Bowler hat. It's as goofy as it sounds, but there might be an element of coolness about it that I just don't see. We'll know tonight, I guess. I just hope I don't get shot.

Angel just called ... reminding me that it's daylight savings now, and I shouldn't be late for the gig. She also felt compelled to say "Remember, let's not expect anything tonight, go in there open-minded, whether there's one person in the audience or a million. It's a no-pressure gig either way."

"yeah, ok," I said, at the same time wondering to myself "what the fuck is she trying to tell me?"

Is this the right night to be baring my geeky lack-of-a-chest to the general public?

I'm also drinking Sobe (tm) Orange Carrot Elixir, as if it will counteract the cancer stix. Packed with every vitamin known to man (and some I've never heard of), the stuff doesn't taste all that bad.

Still wondering about that weird email I got ... "you are *so* adorable!" How should I reply? Should I reply at all?