24 april 2000
fear of flight

Just to add insult to injury, I found out tonight that Music Connection was at our gig the other night, and they're gonna review the show in their next issue.

This is why I know that the day I meet the perfect woman for me, I'll be unshowered, unshaven, stinky, will not have slept for 48 hours, and have a big oozing zit right on the tip of my nose. The most important people seem to show up at the worst times ...

Then again, there's always the off-chance that they'll give us a good review.

Yeah, and eighteen inches of snow will fall on Venice Beach tomorrow morning.

The band didn't practice tonight. We just sat around and talked about improving the show. I wrote a script for our May 20 gig, and the band liked it enough to use it. Only problem is it features me in one of the main storylines, where I go onto "find-a-babe.com" looking for my perfect match, and she shows up at the gig, and is not quite what I was expecting. And that means a little extra rehearsal for me this time around, memorizing lines and stuff. I tried to bring all the storylines back into the band, because that was the main problem on Saturday night. None of the in-between songs crap focused on the band, and it killed the momentum of the show. Add to that missed cues and all the other crap I complained about just wonderfully in last night's entry, and the reasons for failure become incredibly evident.

Thursday we're recording a fifth song for our cd, and next week a sixth. Then it's back to preparing for the next gig. It's a vicious cycle, and I hope we can take it to the next level soon. A bad review in a big music magazine could kill us at this point. And I'm trying not to think about it.

Band aside, my life is in chaos. I don't know how on earth I'm gonna move in a week, since I've barely started packing yet. Maybe I need to have a garage sale, or a yard sale. Too bad I have neither a garage or a yard.

The new job hasn't defined itself yet, and it's kind of unsettling, and it will continue to be so until I get my first paycheck (hopefully) at the end of the month. On the bright side, they gave me a shiny new office key and one of those little plastic cards to get me in and out of the parking garage.

The car looks like shit, and I forgot to call the body shop today to find out when the new door and fender will arrive, so I can drop the thing off and spend two weeks in a $20/day Ford Escort rent-a-crap, which I'm sure will have a 1.3 liter "little engine that can't," a perfect vehicle to haul all of my possessions up a giant mountain in Malibu to my new cliffside condo with ocean views. I just want to get this schtinkin move over with already.

Maybe I just want my old mundane life back, the life I was so complacent with for years. This instability is almost too much to take. I feel like I've just jumped off a cliff, afraid to spread my wings because I'm not quite sure if they're ready to carry my weight yet. Do I even have wings?

Yes, I'm still frightened. Quite.

24 april 1999: net withdrawal: I really love to cook, but I can never seem to cook for just one person.

24 april 1998: uploaded: And just at the point where my little-boy-self would reach for his parents' hands, hold on tight, and say "I'm scared, tell me everything's gonna be alright," I look around and there's absolutely nothing and no-one to grab onto.

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