25 april 2000
halfasleep

202am and lost. shivering in stasis. I don't know who I am, where I'm going, feeling rather disconnected from life. Maybe packing up, reducing my life to a vanful of replaceable crap, makes me wonder what on earth I have to show for the past seven years. A bank account that fills up and empties every two weeks. Books, cd's, all this superficial shit, and ultimately I realize that all I have is me, and I seem rather small, insignificant, and quite worthless in the grand scheme of things. I seem to have lost my drive to succeed right along with my idea of what "success" is. Yes, truly, I can say I have no idea what it means to succeed. "Do what makes you happy," people will tell me. That's a crock of shit. Happiness only comes with complete freedom, and complete freedom only comes with shitloads of money or utter poverty. And yet, neither of those two conditions really appeal to me right now. What does appeal to me, if I close my eyes and picture a perfect life? I don't really know, not specifically. I'm surrounded by people that I love and trust, who love and trust me in return. I'm playing music, I'm cooking, I'm making love with the most beautiful person (to me) in the world. The things I do affect the world in a positive way -- everyday people's days are brightened by my words, actions, thoughts, and recorded hit songs (sorry couldn't resist that one). It's funny, looking at that, I never mentioned a specific location, number of children, or a house, or money, or a white picket fence ... or any of the things I often hear my fantasies should contain. Am I strange, or just vague. Or haven't I grown into myself yet?

26 april 1999: mirrored glass: The closer I get to seeing myself, the more transparent I become.

25 april 1998: letting go: With every lousy day, I only get stronger.

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