26 april 2000
shortness

Trekked down to Long Beach tonight and sat outdoors with Jen, sipping various malt concoctions from the Belmont Brewing Company. The night was warm, and the almost-muggy-but-not-quite breeze off the ocean was strangely comforting. I truly enjoy the ocean at night, and there's so few places in this city to do so.

I told her about last night, how I was panicking and couldn't fall asleep -- she put it down to the move, as it was a common thing, when you're going through all your accumulated possessions, to completely lose your mind and all sense of self. I half believed her.

And I'm throwing out more than I'm keeping, deliberately trying to make myself more portable, flexible. I settled in this apartment for way too long, so settled for six years, settled in more ways than one, for less than I deserved, for more than I could afford. I may not know where I'm going, but I'm gonna try to make it very easy on myself to get there.

I'm getting tired of all of this introspection, or maybe I'm just getting tired of documenting it here. Meta-note to myself: perhaps it's time to start writing about living as opposed to life itself.

Does that make any sense?

26 april 1999: mirrored glass: The closer I get to seeing myself, the more transparent I become.

26 april 1998: numbing: The boardwalk was packed, and I felt a strange sense of whatever-phobia it is when you're lost in a crowd. I stopped in three tattoo parlours and inquired about the price for a small fortified heart on my upper arm.

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