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23 september 2000
a bruised tailbone taunts Is it ironic that on the morning after the little panic attack that inspired my last entry, Sari emailed me a submission for my new bio page that states that I'm "afraid of pretty much nothing" ?? And I thought about it, and maybe in a sense she's right. For most of my fears are completely unwarranted ... it's more like fear for fear's sake, my mind's own way of telling me to get busy. But in reality, it's just fear, unfounded fear. I may be afraid, but I'd be hard pressed to tell you what it is I'm afraid of. I'm afraid of never finding another person I can truly share my life with. I'm even more afraid that I'm becoming quite comfortable with the idea of never finding anyone. See what I mean? ~~~ I was going to do laundry today. Meaning I was going to throw all of my dirty clothes in a hefty bag, drive down to the cleaners, and say "I'll pick them up on monday. Thanks!" Not that I don't know how to do laundry, but it seems like such a waste of time to me -- I can easily bill my time at $50/hr, so why should I waste so much virtual me-money when I can drive it down to the cleaners for 10% of the price? Believe you me, I can rationalize anything to suit my needs. ... like the fact that I have $5000 worth of paychecks that have been sitting in the glovebox of my car for over a week. Why don't I just go to the bank and deposit it? Maybe because I know that as soon as I deposit it I'll be in a position to pay off all of my remaining debt and get my net worth in the positive for the first time in over ten years. I'll be in a position to actually, dare I say, move forward with my life. Maybe that scares me. Does that mean I'm afraid of something tangible? Or maybe I'm just lazy and a procrastinator by nature. Did I spell that word right? ~~~ On Wednesday I sat on a talk show and listened to Angel tell the cameras that I've been "dateless since puberty." The host asked me why. I said it's hard to find the right person. "The right person. Describe her to me..." said the host. A brief beat. The camera lights seemed brighter, and the little microphone was tugging at my collar. "Um, well she's ..." and I pointed across the stage. "Well, I know this is probably not the right forum for this, but I always wished Selva would go out with me." Selva turned beet red, which was my intended reaction. We joked about my "crush" on her and Ice Dog said it was the reason that we're positioned on opposite ends of the stage during performances. I apologized to her after the taping. She just said "No, that was great! Unexpected, but great." She likes the publicity, I think. Anything for the band, I say, including completely humiliating myself, posing as a lonely dateless loser geek on television. Maybe I wasn't posing. ~~~ Meta-time. As partially revealed above, the new "me" section is taking shape. It's divided into two parts, one written by me, which is a collection of random facts, and another (hopefully) written by you, the reader. Please check it out and, if you so desire, submit something. Also back in the spotlight is "geeku," those three lines of hastilly scribbled bad verse that have been at the top of entries for almost three years. You're invited to write your own, and there's a submission form linked from the menu at top. All bio and geeku submissions remain the property of you and will automatically be credited with a link to your email or website. On a final meta-note, I've added a very easy-to-find easter-egg to the site. Yes, you can see it right now. Click on it and you'll get a standard read-me that I excerpted from a two-year old entry -- it's a bit bitchy and preachy, but it says a lot about these pages and my thoughts on them. Over 'n out for now. 23 september 1999: : on a long hiatus 23 september 1998: : on a brief hiatus 23 september 1997: elastic band : Nothing matters to him except for abusively yelling at people who make less money than he does. Luckily it was on a conference call, so he couldn't see me flipping off the telephone. [ swim back | email me | swim ahead ] |
