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26 october 2000
an empty office Ha, gotta turn your head to see the photo again, the last from the Paladino's gig, the least embarassing, as my female attire is covered up by black outergarments. Ahem. Last night at the Roxy -- in a word, exhausting. I've never sweated as much on stage before; somehow it felt as if the spotlights were burning a hole in my back. It was a solid gig: the band is getting more comfortable as a unit, and we're having more musical conversations during songs, more jamming, more fun. The videotape of this one should be interesting. I got home around 1am and fell asleep to strange dreams the like of which have been plaguing me for the past week or so. Dreams of rising and falling, losing myself and friends, vague slideshows of misplaced lust masquerading as love, of selfishness destroying self. Scary shit ... I imagine it would be even moreso if I could remember the details. And I've been waking up every morning physically and mentally exhausted, yet with my conscience somehow closer to a certain truth that I've been seeking. Last week I declared myself ready to fall in love again, and yet somehow I knew it wasn't going to happen for a while. Yesterday I realized that my ambitions are outpacing my self, and that I need to be much more careful concerning those around me who care about me. Or something like that, it makes not much sense to me either. This morning I awoke with this unwavering need _not_ to date, _not_ to search for that special someone, and to just be, single, myself, me, I, whatever ... maybe it's because I feel quite psychotic at this point in my life and yesterday convinced me that I'm bound to hurt anyone who cares about me _that_ much. I don't want to hurt people. So I left the apartment this morning with dreams of self-imposed celibacy, interspersed with daily sessions of soulful masturbation to scratch the itch, so to speak. I just want to be, me, whoever that might (shit, I'm writing in circles here, no rhyming ... um, new topic?) So, howabout them Mets? They're gonna lose, aren't they? Hey you, in the Boston projects, yeah, you know who you are. When we havin' steak in West Hollywood, and how many times do I have to leave a message on your machine before I get a courtesy call back? Take two aspirin and call me in the mornin, yeah, I know... Tonight, I plan to have a martini, watch some dvd's from my new James Bond Volume 3 Giftset (a birthday present to myself), and catch up on email. That's if I don't fall asleep first. Metatime. New geeku today, quite neato. Useless trivia: three years ago today, the geeku was written by Amanda -- I wonder how she's doing... 26 october 1999: : on hiatus til december 26 october 1998: : on hiatus til november 26 october 1997: the write groove : Today wasn't that interesting, but no tangental thoughts are striking me now ... [ swim back | email me | swim ahead ] |
