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20 november 2000
imagination Mundane circumstance found me wandering this evening, rather aimlessly up and down the aisles of Ralphs supermarket. It's the humongo chain of food stores in Southern California, equivalent to the Acmes, ShopRites, Edwards, A&Ps, Mayfairs, Grand Unions, and Piggly Wigglys of the rest of the country. I was in search of dinner. The store was busy, rush-hour busy. I zig-zagged past every shelf in the store, filling my shopping cart with everything from toothpaste to velveeta, hands grabbing for anything labelled with a special "Ralphs Club Price," wondering why I was so eager to save those precious pennies, to be a smart shopper, having so recently discovered that it's much more important to save while buying than to not buy at all. It's exactly how the half-pound bag of beef jerky and the enormous tub of red vines wound up in my cart, I'm sure. I'm usually not one for crowded grocery stores, but tonight I was happily astounded by the number of attractive woman making the rounds with me. Normally when I shop my companions are mostly vagrants and senior citizens. This evening, however, the beautiful people were out in full force, and I found myself incredibly flirtatious despite my frumpy attire and general "I just rolled out of bed" vibe. One cutie in particular flashed me an inviting smile before a backdrop of Bubbies kosher-style dill pickles. I timidly smiled back, and she reached around the corner and grabbed a baby carriage, which happened to be transporting the most adorable six-month old little princess I'd seen in quite a while. I blushed and smiled and waved and got a giggle, and then mom said "have a nice day" and I suddenly didn't want any pickles anymore. I grabbed what I thought would be dinner on the frozen food aisle, in the form of the ubiquitous but heavenly Swanson Salisbury Steak "Hungry Man" entree. Then I was somehow distracted by a sweetly swaying female posterior, which seemed to call out "follow me please," and so I did, to the service deli counter, where I shyly smiled and flirted some more and wound up ordering a roast-beef sandwich, which is soon to be my actual dinner. Alas, the salisbury steak will have to wait for another night. At the check-out counter, mother and cute little infant were right in front of me. So I made goo-goo faces at the kid while mom got carded for Zima clearmalt. The aged checkout woman read the birthdate aloud and I realized that mom was three years younger than me, and I suddenly felt completely pathetic. I realized how out of place I am among the normal people, how immature I felt, how much more comfortable I was among the senior citizens and vagrants of my normal supermarket hours. I had wandered the aisles for thirty minutes, pretending to be one of them, smiling, wanting to strike up a conversation, if only to say "Oh, that's so nice, you're expecting another child. Well, I just got out of jail myself ... yeah, I was arrested for Driving While Not Quite Drunk ... oh wait, don't run away too fast, your daughter is so cute...." I just realized that my sister-in-law, mother to my one-and-a-half year-old niece, is two years younger than me. I don't know if that makes me feel better or worse. It's just been one of those days. One hour after arriving at work, I was struck by the chills and an intense nausea. I put it down to the flu that everyone I know seems to be coming down with. I went home and slept, and woke up with a huge headache but lack of flu symptoms. I stared at the ceiling for a while, debating what to do. Then I rolled over on my stomach and did a quick and dirty redesign of this site. Got hungry and debated ordering pizza, decided I didn't want to wait, and instead drove to Ralphs in the heat of rush hour. And now I'm back home, feeling rather down because I'll never fit in with society and its expectations of me, and I hate feeling left out, being an irresponsible struggling musician pretending to be a webmaster if only to pay the rent and doing rather poorly at that game called life (and now wondering if a trip to Toys R Us is in order to buy that other game called "Life" that is actually winnable) and scowling at myself in general... ...and I find it so weird that woman seem to be attracted to me lately, train-wreck that I am. Rachel said it's natural, as women like to fix people, and I'm definitely in the "fixer-upper" state right now. I mentioned it to Jen on the phone last night, and she yelled at me for disrespecting women by saying that they, as a group, are attracted to train-wrecks. And then I felt bad and tried to bullshit my way out of it and wound up laughing hysterically at my own failure to express what was truly on my mind. Jen instead suggested that these women are attracted to my indifference towards them, as I am so wrapped up in rebuilding my life and getting myself back on track, that I'm very unconcerned with matters of the opposite sex, and women sense this and see me as more of a challenge, or something like that... Frankly, I like the "woman are attracted to train wrecks" explanation better, if only because it's a lot easier to type, let alone explain. Either way, I hereby declare myself radioactive when it comes to the opposite sex. Half-life? I have no idea. Feels like I might fall in love, get laid, er, maybe sometime this millennium, quite possibly within my next two or three lives. As for this life, I've declared it a lost cause. I'm gonna stick around and live it out, though, if only because I'm a curious type of person. 20 november 1999: : on hiatus til december 20 november 1998: : didn't write 20 november 1997: comdex sux : So here I am in room 1313 (should have known) trying to cramp myself onto what amounts to a slightly large love seat. I'm lying on one of those bedwetting pads (what did they think I was going to do on this couch, leak?) [ swim back | email me | swim ahead ] |
