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01 december 00
all aboard my heart "I'm a washed up old fart. I need to get in shape." "How ya gonna do that?" "The way I see it I've got three options. Join a gym, sign up for martial arts classes again, or start having sex on a regular basis." "So which one ya gonna do?" "Considering at this point they're all gonna cost money ... um ... maybe I'll just join a gym." Not long ago I declared myself ready to fall in love again, and that felt good. And it still feels good, but just because I'm ready doesn't mean I'm willing. I've been informed of too many crushes on me of late. It's both unsettling and unnatural. Maybe it's just that the right people never have crushes on me. Who are the "right people" anyway? Those I'd be willing to fall in love with ... ? Whatever that means. Love. I love my niece, and yet I'm watching her grow up in pixels. The latest jpeg of Little Miss That-would-be-my-beatiful-niece arrived today, and I thought, my god, she looks so big, so mature, I'm missing her whole life, and I got all flushed, and then I realized she was tangled up in a camera case strap, which added some scale, and she really wasn't as big as she looked, and I relaxed a bit... But I'm still missing her whole life, and that feels like poop. (poop ... I won't even swear when writing about her) Shit, I just don't think I deserve to join this society I'm supposed to be living in. Is this good or bad? The photo of my adorable niece was attached to an email from my parents, admonishing me for not keeping in touch. "call once in a while..." were their exact words... Why? So I can pretend that I'm having the perfect life out here in sunny southern california, to struggle against telling you all the fucked-up things that have been happening lately??? because on the one hand I love you and want to share everything with you but on the other hand I love you and don't want to upset you or stress you out in any way, and believe me, if I tell you what's been going on in my life lately, you'll both wind up majorly upset and stressed out, and I can't live with that. Love will make me do the strangest things. Being In Love, on the other hand, could very well upset my very existence. Maybe my very existence very well needs upsetting. Ready. Maybe willing. Now who the fuck IS she? Maybe I'll just join a gym.
01 december 1999: : didn't write 01 december 1998: : didn't write 01 december 1997: carving the future : All together now: hooray. Aren't you excited now? Yeah, me too. I'm so excited that I'm literally bursting out of my boxers. [ swim back | email me | swim ahead ] |
